Some thoughts about becoming a single mom. Listen I don't know any women who exist on the planet that made a plan to just have children and become a single mother. I know there are many ways to conceive a child, and some women do plan to have children and raise them alone. I am not talking about those women; I am talking about the women who had partners they thought would be together for the rest of their lives. I'm talking to the women who made plans to get married and have a family. I'm talking to the women who had family outings with their significant other and their children together. A plan with a man that just vanished into thin air, you had to grieve the life that you had planned and accept the reality of the cards you were dealt.
Adulting is hard but having children who rely on your every need and who look to you for guidance, nurture, love, and support, is a lot to ask from one person. Sometimes I pause and think to myself am I capable enough. I question, am I good enough to put on the armor of God and continue to fight another day. I question why I was dealt the hand that I was dealt. I don't understand what my purpose is and why I was put here on this earth. I silently question a lot of things because I struggle mentally to grasp the concepts of struggle, poverty, and suffering. I feel as though I have suffered my entire life when does the sunshine stay shining on me. I feel that I am supposed to bless God's people and that he will open doors for me to be a blessing to millions of his people.
I had a tough life growing up, I did not have mentors or people to guide me along the way to show me how to make a better life for myself. I truly am a walking testimony, because if you could only fathom the things I witnessed and saw as a child it would literally blow your mind. I suffered as a child and even more now in adulthood but silently. I have had a few people tell me that I am lucky to have the life I have and the things that I have acquired along the way. People look at my life and glorify what they see now and although I'm grateful for what I have I know that this isn't the stop I get off at.
Before I thought about having children, I used to say that I would never be like my mother. I remember saying that on many occasions and I felt it deep within my spirit. I was determined to not end up like her and become a product of my environment. Along the way through trial and error, I have made countless mistakes, but I also have made countless sacrifices for others. I have never looked for a thank you or an apology even if I felt as though I deserved one.
When I became a mother, I made a promise to myself that I would give my children the best life possible. I promised myself that If I chose to bet on myself, I better make it count for something. When I think about my life and where I currently am. I get a lump in my throat when I swallow my saliva. It's a reality check for me that where I currently stand is a scary place to be. I bear the weight of providing for my entire family and I don't have a support system to help me cross over. I question God is this my story, is this how it will end.
As a mom I feel judged because I feel as though I don't get to be tired, complain, give up, ask for help, out of fear of rejection, or judgment, simply just not knowing who to turn to in times of crisis. Yes, I chose to have my children and yes, my children are my responsibility, but does that mean I don't deserve to have a village stand beside me or behind me when I need someone. The world we live in can be very judgmental and cruel. What the world has evolved to in this current generation has made it tough for you to want to speak your truth. I stand here in my truth not looking for pity just some understanding because I know I am not alone. If this post at least helps someone and pulls them out of a dark place, then my job is done. I am here to give life to single moms who are struggling and have no one to turn to or feel as though they are being judged for being human.
There is a smile so big, a hug so tight, and a job well done at the end of this journey, you will have to pinch yourself because you'll think you're dreaming when you finally make it. Rest your mind and spirit and know that you're not alone and we will get through this. Before you close your eyes say this statement with me "With every last breath I have in my body, I will make sure I build a life that my children won't have to heal from." We must do the work, not give up, and keep showing up because it's going to be the right time, right place and the right circumstances. Everything will fall into place and in alignment with Gods purpose and plan for your life. Much love and goodnight I hope this post touched someone
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