Listen today was just one of those days that you wished you could do over. My oldest son left for his freshman year of college today. I had mixed emotions because I am so proud of him as an aunt/ mother figure should be. I am glad it is over, and he is all settled to start his journey in college life. Now let's back up a little 9 years ago I gained custody of my nephew due to unforeseen circumstances that transpired within my family. Let me tell you this during this time in my life I have grown and learned so much about myself this chapter of my life has truly been a humbling experience. But I would be lying if I told you that stepping up to raise someone else's child was easy. This certainly was one of the most challenging things that I volunteered to do, because I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. Through the ups and downs, trials, and curve balls that life throws at you here we are we made it to college. My son is breaking generational curses and defying the odds that were stacked against him.
Life has been a bitch and one hell of a ride, but I smiled so big and had so much gratitude in my heart when I was able to move him into his dorm room today. As a single mom you never picture that you would have to do this alone, I am thankful that I believe in God and that is who keeps me able to do what I do. I'm not complaining but I am saying that I wish I had a little bit of help and that I wish I didn't always have the carry the load. Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy. Some days I ask God why did he make me with the kind of heart I have. Sometimes I ask God why me. Then sometimes I think to myself if I'm not one of the chosen ones then who would it be. Physically I am tired, mentally I am tired, emotionally I am drained because I have to be everything for everyone and still find time to show up for myself. When Is God going to send me some help to lighten my load and take some pressure off of my plate? The mere fact that I don't have help makes me question am I worthy or deserving of God sending me any kind of relief.
As I look back over my life, I realize that I have sacrificed so much of my time and myself that I am literally scared to death to make decisions for myself because of being fearful for making the wrong choices moving forward. Writing has always been my first true love and somehow throughout the course of my life that got lost. God put it on my heart and in my spirit some time ago to start writing a blog but of course, I blew it off and made up every excuse I could in my mind as to why I shouldn't or simply couldn't. There is a popular saying that I believe goes something like this "The only thing standing in your way is you." You're one decision and one choice away from having a completely different life. Here I am showing up flawed and pressing my way through the wilderness until I reach the appointed destination.
I say all this to say college move-in day was a success, but I am tired, and I'll be heading to bed soon. Today I learned that being a parent is twice the work, twice the stress, and twice the tears. But also, twice the hugs and twice the love and pride. After helping my son set up his room, I ran out to the local Walmart to purchase some additional items that he needed. When I arrived back at the dorms, they had a team of students assisting with the move-in process to make the transition to college life a little easier which I was impressed with.
One of the students that was helping me to unload my son's things said, "Man I wish I had a mom like you to do what you're doing for him for me." She thought it was so nice that I had gone out to get extra things for my son. I thought to myself at that very moment job well done Mom. Most of the things we do for our children will be thankless moments but, in my heart, I am okay with that. As long as I am able to make a difference in someone else's life, and my actions truly be impactful I feel that my job was worth whatever the sacrifice. Thank you for listening I truly hope that a piece of my story helps at least one person along their journey on their way. Have a blessed night until we meet again
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