Struggling

Being a single mom truly sucks at times. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life and where I currently am. Nobody talks about the struggles and the hard times that come along with being a single mom. I did not come from a wealthy family, and I did not have support from my family to acquire the things I have now. I literally have had to work and make sacrifices for myself and many others along the way. I have carried and I have helped so many people even while I was struggling to help myself. I just think that this is the part that no one wants to talk about. The uncomfortable part is when you're unable to provide a adequate life for yourself and your children. No one talks about the decisions you have to make to choose between paying a bill which is a necessity or putting food on the table so that you and your children won't starve. No one talks about the single mom having to make a way out of no way to provide a life for themselves and their children. It is so disheartening to have to struggle in silence and not have the physical help that you need to sustain a life. I look at my children and I know that they a true blessing from God but the hardships I face to provide for them are traumatic. 

I don't sleep well at night knowing I can't go out and get a regular job like everyone else because I have a responsibility and duty to my children first. I know that my financial situation would change in an instant if I could work many jobs to provide for them. I simply cannot go out and do that, so I now have to get creative and find ways to create secondary income so that me and my children won't be homeless. I have many thoughts on this and this is why I created this blog so that single moms can have a safe space to come and talk, vent, cry or scream even. I feel as though we are jugged harshly for having children when we didn't sign up to be single parents. You can't force the hands of another grown adult to uphold their end of the bargain. You can't force another grown adult to do the right thing by helping with their responsibility. You have no control over how someone else lives or how they choose to make choices and decisions. 

Sometimes I feel so unworthy because I am not financially stable that I sometimes feel as though I shouldn't date due to my financial struggles. When I date, I am not looking for someone to take care of me and my children, but I am looking for someone to give me some support when I am in need. I don't ask for help, but I am a giving person who can't help but to help even if I am in a situation where I can't. I struggle with understanding why am I having a hard time receiving help when I have given so much in all areas to so many people. I am not a person who is a leech or a person who takes advantage of others I help when I see there is a need or when I am asked for help. 

I am a big believer in God and him sending me help and me being right where I am supposed to be. I am human don't we all struggle? Aren't we worthy of being helped? I just have so many thoughts and I don't want to be viewed as someone who complains or is ungrateful for the things that I already have. Life as a single mom sucks, and it is not easy to manage a life and a living. I am doing everything I possibly can on my end to gain financial freedom and to create a life of wealth and legacy for myself and my children. Faith without works is dead but you also have to know when to be still to allow God to work on your behalf. 

When your bank account is empty it hits you. When you don't have gas in the car to take your children to school it hits you. When your utilities are threatening to be shut off because you have had to priortize feeding your children or putting gas in the car or paying a bill to keep you all afloat. It truly sucks and it is a wake-up call that you're struggling. It makes you question yourself as a mother and parent to children who didn't ask to be brought into a life like the one, you're providing. I know that my children don't know that we are struggling because they are little, but I know that we are struggling, and it hurts me to not be able to provide an adequate life for them. 

I am not okay, and I should be able to say that without fear of judgment of having less than to help my family. There has to be a better way than this way. I am truly tired, and I can empathize with mothers who have had to make hard choices and decisions in order to care for their children and families. I hope that this helps someone know that they are not alone in this fight. I pray that we all find peace and healing from things that are hard to talk about. I pray that we all find solace and peace in our situations, and I also pray that God sends up the help we need to cross over. God, I pray that you send the help that me and my boys need to make it. 

College move in day for my oldest son

 Listen today was just one of those days that you wished you could do over. My oldest son left for his freshman year of college today. I had mixed emotions because I am so proud of him as an aunt/ mother figure should be. I am glad it is over, and he is all settled to start his journey in college life. Now let's back up a little 9 years ago I gained custody of my nephew due to unforeseen circumstances that transpired within my family. Let me tell you this during this time in my life I have grown and learned so much about myself this chapter of my life has truly been a humbling experience. But I would be lying if I told you that stepping up to raise someone else's child was easy. This certainly was one of the most challenging things that I volunteered to do, because I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. Through the ups and downs, trials, and curve balls that life throws at you here we are we made it to college. My son is breaking generational curses and defying the odds that were stacked against him. 

Life has been a bitch and one hell of a ride, but I smiled so big and had so much gratitude in my heart when I was able to move him into his dorm room today. As a single mom you never picture that you would have to do this alone, I am thankful that I believe in God and that is who keeps me able to do what  I do. I'm not complaining but I am saying that I wish I had a little bit of help and that I wish I didn't always have the carry the load. Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy. Some days I ask God why did he make me with the kind of heart I have. Sometimes I ask God why me. Then sometimes I think to myself if I'm not one of the chosen ones then who would it be. Physically I am tired, mentally I am tired, emotionally I am drained because I have to be everything for everyone and still find time to show up for myself. When Is God going to send me some help to lighten my load and take some pressure off of my plate? The mere fact that I don't have help makes me question am I worthy or deserving of God sending me any kind of relief. 

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have sacrificed so much of my time and myself that I am literally scared to death to make decisions for myself because of being fearful for making the wrong choices moving forward. Writing has always been my first true love and somehow throughout the course of my life that got lost. God put it on my heart and in my spirit some time ago to start writing a blog but of course, I blew it off and made up every excuse I could in my mind as to why I shouldn't or simply couldn't. There is a popular saying that I believe goes something like this "The only thing standing in your way is you." You're one decision and one choice away from having a completely different life. Here I am showing up flawed and pressing my way through the wilderness until I reach the appointed destination. 

I say all this to say college move-in day was a success, but I am tired, and I'll be heading to bed soon. Today I learned that being a parent is twice the work, twice the stress, and twice the tears. But also, twice the hugs and twice the love and pride. After helping my son set up his room, I ran out to the local Walmart to purchase some additional items that he needed. When I arrived back at the dorms, they had a team of students assisting with the move-in process to make the transition to college life a little easier which I was impressed with.

One of the students that was helping me to unload my son's things said, "Man I wish I had a mom like you to do what you're doing for him for me."  She thought it was so nice that I had gone out to get extra things for my son. I thought to myself at that very moment job well done Mom. Most of the things we do for our children will be thankless moments but, in my heart, I am okay with that. As long as I am able to make a difference in someone else's life, and my actions truly be impactful I feel that my job was worth whatever the sacrifice. Thank you for listening I truly hope that a piece of my story helps at least one person along their journey on their way. Have a blessed night until we meet again 

Feeling Judged

 Some thoughts about becoming a single mom. Listen I don't know any women who exist on the planet that made a plan to just have children and become a single mother. I know there are many ways to conceive a child, and some women do plan to have children and raise them alone. I am not talking about those women; I am talking about the women who had partners they thought would be together for the rest of their lives. I'm talking to the women who made plans to get married and have a family. I'm talking to the women who had family outings with their significant other and their children together. A plan with a man that just vanished into thin air, you had to grieve the life that you had planned and accept the reality of the cards you were dealt. 

Adulting is hard but having children who rely on your every need and who look to you for guidance, nurture, love, and support, is a lot to ask from one person. Sometimes I pause and think to myself am I capable enough. I question, am I good enough to put on the armor of God and continue to fight another day. I question why I was dealt the hand that I was dealt. I don't understand what my purpose is and why I was put here on this earth. I silently question a lot of things because I struggle mentally to grasp the concepts of struggle, poverty, and suffering. I feel as though I have suffered my entire life when does the sunshine stay shining on me. I feel that I am supposed to bless God's people and that he will open doors for me to be a blessing to millions of his people. 

I had a tough life growing up, I did not have mentors or people to guide me along the way to show me how to make a better life for myself. I truly am a walking testimony, because if you could only fathom the things I witnessed and saw as a child it would literally blow your mind. I suffered as a child and even more now in adulthood but silently. I have had a few people tell me that I am lucky to have the life I have and the things that I have acquired along the way. People look at my life and glorify what they see now and although I'm grateful for what I have I know that this isn't the stop I get off at. 

Before I thought about having children, I used to say that I would never be like my mother. I remember saying that on many occasions and I felt it deep within my spirit. I was determined to not end up like her and become a product of my environment. Along the way through trial and error, I have made countless mistakes, but I also have made countless sacrifices for others. I have never looked for a thank you or an apology even if I felt as though I deserved one. 

When I became a mother, I made a promise to myself that I would give my children the best life possible. I promised myself that If I chose to bet on myself, I better make it count for something. When I think about my life and where I currently am. I get a lump in my throat when I swallow my saliva. It's a reality check for me that where I currently stand is a scary place to be. I bear the weight of providing for my entire family and I don't have a support system to help me cross over. I question God is this my story, is this how it will end. 

As a mom I feel judged because I feel as though I don't get to be tired, complain, give up, ask for help, out of fear of rejection, or judgment, simply just not knowing who to turn to in times of crisis. Yes, I chose to have my children and yes, my children are my responsibility, but does that mean I don't deserve to have a village stand beside me or behind me when I need someone. The world we live in can be very judgmental and cruel. What the world has evolved to in this current generation has made it tough for you to want to speak your truth. I stand here in my truth not looking for pity just some understanding because I know I am not alone. If this post at least helps someone and pulls them out of a dark place, then my job is done. I am here to give life to single moms who are struggling and have no one to turn to or feel as though they are being judged for being human. 

There is a smile so big, a hug so tight, and a job well done at the end of this journey, you will have to pinch yourself because you'll think you're dreaming when you finally make it. Rest your mind and spirit and know that you're not alone and we will get through this. Before you close your eyes say this statement with me "With every last breath I have in my body, I will make sure I build a life that my children won't have to heal from." We must do the work, not give up, and keep showing up because it's going to be the right time, right place and the right circumstances. Everything will fall into place and in alignment with Gods purpose and plan for your life. Much love and goodnight I hope this post touched someone